Do You love Tokyo?
by Neko1
Summary: Subaru's thoughts about a special city... and a special person


Disclaimer: I'm not CLAMP (obviously), so I don't own any of the characters mentioned here. The quotes were taken from Tokyo Babylon Vol. 1 and 7.   
Well, I just tried to write a bit of Subaru-introspective. It can be placed anywhere after TB, I think. Nothing big, just a few things that came into my mind…   
And I'm no native speaker, so please be gentle!^^   
  
  
  
Do You love Tokyo? by Neko   
  
  
"Still, I love this Tokyo."   
"Why?"   
"Because it's the only city on this earth that enjoys itself as it walks on the path to destruction."   
  
Long ago I had this conversation with him. Thinking about it I realized that I disagreed with him.   
But I loved Tokyo, too.   
Why?   
I can't remember.   
Perhaps because it was so different from anything I had known before.   
I moved to Tokyo with Nee-san because my talents as an Onmyouji were needed in the capital.   
We were two curious teenagers, lost in the overflow of new impressions.   
Well, I was lost, not Nee-san. She enjoyed being in Japan's biggest metropolis from the first moment.   
And with time I had grown to like it as well, despite my encounters with so many desperate people.   
Desperate because of this city, its coldness and indifference under the disguise of dreams made reality.   
They all had hated Tokyo.   
So I don't remember why I loved it.   
Maybe it was because of him. Because he had been there with me.   
Thinking about him hurts.   
It will always hurt.   
But I can't think of anything else.   
Not anymore.   
He had been the center of my life for too long.   
He had formed too much of the person I am today.   
Some people would call it a sick obsession.   
Wanting revenge for Nee-san's death was perfectly natural, but I soon realized that I couldn't bring myself to kill him for that.   
Why?   
Because I could never defeat him with my powers.   
I could never defeat my own feelings for him.   
So I wanted to belong to him in the only way possible: I wanted him to kill me.   
It was obsessive to think of only him.   
It was sick to continue loving him.   
But it was all that was left to me.   
He alone.   
I knew I never meant more to him than just a broken toy.   
Children cry over broken toys.   
He just smiled, like he always did.   
His beautiful smile, so deceptively gentle and caring.   
It would be the last thing I see in this life.   
Although I had always backed away embarrassed whenever he had tried to touch me, in my deepest dreams I always longed for this closeness.   
To be held in his arms, protected from this cruel world.   
And so I wanted to die like this, feeling his gentle embrace as I faded away.   
Feeling his hand ripping my heart to shreds.   
I didn't fear the pain.   
He had ripped my heart to shreds before.   
When he was telling me he felt nothing for me.   
When he was killing Nee-san.   
Death couldn't feel worse.   
  
"Why such a sad gaze?   
Do you think I betrayed you?   
But that a human betrays another is the type of thing that occurs every day on the streets of Tokyo."   
  
I clearly remember him telling me this.   
I remember his smile, as beautiful and seemingly loving as ever, although he had destroyed my illusions, my innocence, my life.   
Only because it happens every day doesn't mean that betraying another person is a less evil act.   
Or a less disdainful act.   
But to him it had meant nothing.   
Like I meant nothing.   
So I wanted my existence to be erased by him.   
After all, it meant nothing.   
Nothing matters at all.   
To this day, I still love Tokyo.   
Why?   
Because I'm one of its desperate children.   
One of its betrayed lovers.   
One of its countless, meaningless victims.   
I have every reason to hate it.   
But I don't.   
He said, he loved Tokyo for enjoying its path to destruction.   
I don't know if he was serious then.   
But I decided to take the path to destruction, too.   
Why?   
  
Because it was the only way that led me to him.   
  
  
  
~fin~   
  
  
Thank you for reading!^^ 


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